8) When my 15-year-old son called me crying and wanted to move back home after moving in with his dad for a year to try and have a relationship with him which was not working. They complimented you, insisted on your compatibility, and made you feel special. 2 Flaunt how happy you are without them. Your comment stuck with me. Kim reading over all the others complaints only reinforces these type of people do the same thing over and over. If I dont look at him in his eyes he says it is rude. I am happy and I have money in my name in caseI am left behind. Don't fall for the temptation to sink to their level. It was only recently when trying to find out if the man I love is a pathological liar or not, that I tripped upon information on narcissism. Just call me the narcissist repellent 6 mo They respond VIOLENTLY. I am a school teacher, so I used many of the strategies I use to manage behavior with students, and they often work. As of last night (all through text because he wont communicate these days any other way), I said I cant drag my daughter through this anymore. Hey Amy! How many more years do I give to a man that proves over and over that hes not going to change? Are they likely to rape you again? The narcissist needs for you to fight back because then you are the one who lost control. I ignored all of his suggestions, found a fab clinic to provide all my treatments in, perfect location and great clients to gain Before that happened we split up after him not handling our discussion about his controlling ability. I have to say after reading you article it does make perfect sense. Let go and let God I say! Thank you all of giving me my life back, especially Kim. Cannot yet share my own experience but am on a huge learning curve so am needing to understand more and recognise fully that the change needs to come from me: not only because I would like to have the NPD in my life understand the impact of his behaviour on me (and others) I am very fortunate and lucky to be alive. Anyones behaviour can seem selfish, irresponsible and mean if it isnt what the other person thinks it should be. Neg hitting, a compliment followed by a slight insult, is one of his favourites. Sonia. I saw that and I used that knowledge to my advantage. I didnt say a word. Its going to cost him a whole lot more when he moves out and has to pay someone to live somewhere else. My question is, it would be great to rely on someone else (police, doctor, etc) to deliver the bad news to him about his behavior, but the things my husband does are too mild for that. I suppose that I feel that Ive lived the giving mantra for long enough to build up some trust with him, and that now it is time to add some amount of holding him accountable. Everyone needs different ideas and I thank you for adding yours to the discussion. The reality is they are not kings nor queens. Oh yes! Kim, I look forward to buying your books and learning more. Narcissists love compliments and having people talk about them because it means they got noticed. Still not enough he then decided to leave on New Years eve to go with his daughter to Hastings (leaving me alone and my daughter with her dad) but months later I realized he went with his ex wife and daughter to Hastings because he couldnt cope with my outbursts. The other piece of this for me isI know that somewhere along the way, Im going to really NEED him for something. You had your kids, myself and my kids, who all cared about you and loved you, but you, are incapable of caring and loving, I feel so very sorry for you. Its sad he has used one old gal to get her home. Man, I dont know how anyone believes they can make a mistake and refuses to own it like my friend thinks. Thank you to all the people who have made comment on this site, it sure has opened my eyes. The narcissistic administrator becomes a strong advocate for a single approach to teaching (typically method of instruction, less frequently a student-centered approach); regardless of the nature of the method, the administrator imposes it and prescribes how it is to be implemented. (exhausted). Thank you so much for everything! Hi Lady Jane, you may want that sure but selfish people arent prone to listening! I cant thank you enough for all you do. I have been married to him only for 3 months but this revelation to me is scary, uplifting, and also confusing. She tells me the affair is over (actually, she insists it never happened most of the time; though I have evidence to the contrary) and she is still working for the guy she had the affair with. But Ann it all depends on the individual. I tried so hard and have read all your ebooks but nothing worked until i have just said enough is enough. Hi DA, Sorry this post has been so popular I havent had time to respond to everyone. I feel guilty as hell for my behavior deteriorating also. Everyone loves him.minus his employees. Though I have not seen much online regarding this, I wonder if their bond with children is because these men are also very delicate and child likethat they dont understand their own emotions, and have no self reflection. I was speechless. So, I finally left him in December. I then drove 11 hrs to see you, and while there you had your car the entire time and I found out that your brother wasnt even working. He feels I am wronging him by leaving. I assure you that separating bank accounts will work to stop that. You need to say that he will need to pay the excess or you will be forced to contact his work (parents) about the claim requesting that the excess be paid out of his pay. When we mix lies with the truth, when we turn friends and family against our beloved, there is nothing left. I have also read kims info and much more. Also you need to make sure first that your bosses have the backbone to deal with these people. RUN RUN RUN if you can. I pray my own daughter never marry a man like. He expects respect. I told him dozens of times I would not put with him spending so much time with her and talking to her on the phone every day, and he says theres something wrong with me that I dont accept their friendship. He confides a lot of intimate things to her first before telling me its the whole emotional infidelity thing. We had an event October 12th to attend together, and I said we will keep this date, but that if things dont improve, that this will have to be goodbye. -but the most disgusting Thing he has made up is to lie about is that I was sexually abused by adult family member as a child and he sometimes says Im still being sexual abused/raped??!!?!!? I paid for the costs to maintain and repair the home since. Though, in reality I dont really believe this will truely ever happen. 5. Your response was that he is a teenager and eats a lot and that it would create more work and trouble. I have been a believer and customer of yours for several years now. [] (An earlier version of thisarticle was first published on the narcissism Daily Mirror and then at:www.thelovesafetynet.com.) I do love you and I hope you do too. Sometimes were in love with the image of the person that we admire. I dont want to be the person he blames for everything, but continuing to set boundaries is only further infuriating him and I find it difficult to cut the imaginary cord with my emotions sometimes. 17) You accused me time and time again of cheating on you. I know that it is true by the company thst he keeps. She is ignoring any opinions I have on any subject and basically shut me out of her life again. After a while and much anger being vented by both sides we tried to work on it and I immediately thought I had reacted badly and apologized for my slighted messages. I also defended him from everyone that tried to push him to get back to work. He left me after several years of a push/pull, secretly planning to end it for a long time, but misleading me. So not just the police, and stay with you, but police and ending the relation He never hit me, or anything near me. I mean for me to feel the kind of trust for him and love from him that a woman ought for someone she is having sex with wow, that would be gigantic. so doing, we are able to sustain the necessary leverage for healing, for enduring change. Let him ignore you, set your boundry and just walk off. I have just stood by and finally let it all happen to him. Sometimes I wish Id die and just get it over with. We have been online helping couplesfor over 8 years and hope we can help. I have been married 36 years and most of my married life has been filled with sadness and anger. Even though I should be mad, at this point I just feel sorry for him because I know within his limited ability to, he does love me and is hurting too, but the rollercoaster he rides is just to much. Everything is always my fault, and he never takes responsibility for hurtful actions. I read and read and readI find myself wishing he would hit me so I would have a definable reason to leave, something our adult children would understand. I now know there is no fixing or holding them accountable short of having them arrested if there is criminal behavior. It has been a terribly difficult 3 years, but understanding I had to stop being the victim & use techniques Ive learned through you and others, has helped. If he really had to earn my trust like youd expect a person would have to before youd have sex with them, that would take a really long time. Its perfect in every way. I am committed to make my marriage work! I am always at fault. I have tried many times for the sake of my children. Jackie, you hit it so head on. He is already beginning to poison them as punishment or me. I have had yet another bereavement recently (my mother) i have had 3 in just under 3 years and have found it very difficult to flatline ie show no emotion ever in his precense. I am sure you did all you could and I am sorry that you feel so angry and disappointed I hope that understanding and time brings you healing. Now that I have a voice and he suffers consequences.he is can be harder to deal with. He is a little boy on the inside. I think it is wise that you talk to him but also be prepared. He has been paying for his share of the utilities so that I give him credit for but everything else is pretty much up to me. He came back the same except, I know am aware of his limitations as well as mine. And at times it does work. I felt the need to give it to him as part of the seperation process for me. I didnt handle it right, I got upset and was hurt and we had an allniter fight again. I agree with all of this content. Feeling ripped off - if they didn't get a sizeable inheritance. Sounds great, but if all others enable, they do not bear the consequencesany wisdom on how to get his family/my family to stop enabling him so I am not assaulted again? I am sharing this with love to all none NPD and NPD sufferes out there. I am (was) like a mother superior to him and thats not very sexy!!! I was shocked. So that is something that should raise a warning flag in their mind, if for no other reason than to cover their own butt. He resented me for ever requesting counseling or that I expected him to continue to keep his word. His are exhibited in binge drinking, he states this is to maintain his happiness; he frequently waits for the next weekend to live it up. In the case of a one off event I believe that yes the person should be held accountable preferably by a court of law. I would like to hear more about how to protect our 10-year-old son. I LOVE this article. If you respect yourself enough to stand up for your own interests this will earn others respect too. You like to be sick. Kim is the author of seven books on the topic of relationships and emotional intelligence. Oh, this one is huge. Although it was his decision, not mine, he recently said that he felt abandoned by me before he abandoned me. But now, we are looking at the possibility of him losing his business and losing out home. Hi Carol Welcome! He is also a huge sex addict and turns out he had a secret apt. I have a friend who is a school teacher is going through something similiar with the principal. I started planning that when we meet for anything it would be in a public place. With regards to your response #31, to Renee. You told me you didnt have the money to buy her anything. He had to pay several fines and now faces jail. Two weeks after the birth when we/I set up a date to meet, to top it all off, when I realised he hadnt told his Dad (who he was living with) about our son he proceded to tell me that he wanted to tell his Dad Id just surprised him with a baby.as it would make him look bad. I arrived on Christmas 2010 and got married on Dec 30 of the same year. This guy is gone, not one word said to me in 1 1/2 years after he ended it and told me he wanted to get rid of me for a long time., The things youre teaching I could apply if there was ever any other relationship, but, they seem extremely difficult since its such a strong tendency to want to point out their behavior and to explain mine. On another site I read that A true relationship with these people is impossible A relationship of sorts is possible if you are prepared to put in a lot of hard work and be very strong but it might never equal what you deserve and what can be achieved when two people truly love and respect each other. NPD is a very child-like personality disorder, so it would behoove us to learn some child therapy techniques if were going to love and live with a Narcissist. It certainly was the case with me. But that makes it no less hurtful and no less difficult to accept how she simply trashed our hopes and dreams together. It really helps!! Thanks, Thank you, Kim for this post! I hear it in him. 21) You watched me doing side work to meet ends meat, while asking me for more money and letting me pay for 90% of the groceries and other things. Keep the love flames going and learn to forget the past. I did this wrong more than once before, I wanted to leave him four times already out of anger, out of fear and just in the heat of the moment, when we were arguing. Will he ever understand what he did was wrong? He is a textbook case. (Still do in my heart, although head says differently.). As a Catholic priest advised me: Some people are just not capable of fulfilling the roles required of a marriage partner, i.e. Narcissists need to be the center of attention at all times. I took him back many times when we were dating. Because he was ashamed of his failure it was easy for him to be quiet because really he didnt know what to say anyway. I understood and told you I would not come to home coming, so it would not make it uncomfortable for your kids since by your choice your kids and your ex-wife didnt know of our relationship. And thats why its hard. That is why I am ending the relationship. I do have two children from my previous marriage so I have to make sure our home is in order and there is food LOL, so to have him have natural consequences for example there not being food is not an option. Hang in there and keep working through the steps and exercises in the books! The work you do must be exhausting and yet rewarding! Catherine, Just reading all these responses it seems most of the sufferers of this kind of narcissistic abuse are females, and that most abusive narcissists are males; although Im sure there must also be male sufferers of female Ns too.. He told her the other day that if she would be more involved then he would start putting that money towards her college fund! I have learned to be a very calm person and have set up healthy and stern boundaries for myself. When you've finally had enough of their antics and hold a narcissist accountable for their actions, they will fly into a rage to make you back off and distract from your accusations. And it went too far once, already, he has had an affair. Narcissists are afraid of being rejected or abandoned. Not even sure if he is narcissist, but think soalthough some days I wonder if its me instead! Your opinion on the matter is no longer relevant. The sadness seems so deep, even though I know understand, Im not sure Ill every be whole. I got out. Hi While i think you mean well and im sure there are many you have helped. Forget needing him to be sorry that is a losers game and only got things to where they are now. She curses in front of parents and kids, belittle me many of times.. He is about to deploy and so we do need to discuss and make decisions on how we are going to handle things while he is gone but he wont make a decision and wants to fight instead so he can avoid the subject everytime. But God, do I miss the good. I am also feeling at fault because I would always push him away when it came to affection/sex. I think its a positive sign that yours hasnt latched onto someone else. Dependency: You feel out of control and rely on the narcissist (often unwillingly . I have been married to my N wife for 16 years. Recently things are extremely difficult for my family. Hi Kim, I have come across this Blog today, and I can relate to so, so much. You need to write a clear account of his behaviour that is concerning you from the perspective of him as a patient. Kush #49 Well long story short, I have made the decision to end the relationship because I have finally realized that he has been using, abusing and manipulating me and it has nearly destroyed me. But I cannot pretend things r ok when I am not seeing them ok. His sister is the same way and I feel for my brother in law. Being stern long term will probably only result in you damaging your attachment. If you dont have the skills nor are you willing to learn them, you cant do the job. Please dont ever stop! Well things have obviously been pretty delicate since then and Im keeping a healthy distance but we have in the last few months been repairing our relationship. Obviously, it does nothing and never has. You did nothing to help in the process and blamed me because the house had to be in my name, since your credit was bad. I managed to get my ground back in some important ways. And to start a business that my name is on, 51% mine and that it will buy his business. I am thinking I want to ask him tonite if he has decided and if he starts all over to bypass and avoid answering, to tell him that its ok but that I have to make decisions and that I think it is better that we keep our finances completely seperate from now on and that he find his own place to live when he comes back home. My partner became ENRAGED that he had consequences. Surprise! And after all that effort, it still isnt a relationship anyway! My advice is not to have to live with someone like this because it is not love but something not yet defined in the annals of DSM and will and does only get worse over time. Everything is subtle. Forget any type of petty revenge you may be plotting; malignant narcissists see all of your emotional responses to them (whether positive or negative) as attention, and they live for that shit. Choose your battles and decide what is important enough to speak about and wait until things are calm. They Want to Get Noticed Together. I am not the one that started up with a girl friend and LEFT their wife. Thanks for listening, and thanks Kim for continuing to keep this subject alive with informative articles and discussions. I feel I am saving my life. My logical, intelligent brain struggles with this, no matter how much my heart is drawn to him. Im very happy that things have worked out in your marriage. I have naturally done everything they tell you to to try to get a glimmer of anything out of him. It was only in the last two years that, through counseling, I realized she was a narcissist. Pain can result in a person becoming angry or irrational and acting out. So yesterday I brought Monica a new cheque, wrote my phone number on the envelope, told her from now on she is to call me that he is busy at work to take such calls. Within Canon Law, if these essential qualities are lacking, the marriage can be looked on as invalid from the start, i.e. How do you find the energy to do this? Hi Kim It is very important that you put all of the steps in Back From the Looking Glass in place. Unfortunately he died 2 years ago. He has admitted what he was doing and also admitted what he feels. Furthermore, none of the three quotes you suggested would actually /work/. I see that codependency is an issue that I am working with. He isnt a major narcissist but has both narcissistic and borderline tendencies and at times he is a nightmare to deal with. I respect peoples choice to try to fix it, but more so i truelly feel you will be further dissapointed and utterly devestated dealing with these idiotic individuals. st cuthbert's school, newcastle staff list, bonita high school baseball coach, john thunder'' thornton house,